The Not-So-Evil Stepmother: Loving Your New Spouse's Kids
From:
Meredith Rodkey
64 days 13 hours 24 minutes ago
Face it: Your new husband has baggage … about 150 pounds of it or more – namely, his children from his first marriage. You’re not alone: Statistics show that half a million blended families are created each year. The transition to stepmother can be fraught with confusion, frustration, grief, guilt and maybe even indifference. So how do you make it work?
1) BE THE ADULT: First, acknowledge that you’re not the only woman in this equation; if the children’s biological mother is still in the picture, your relationship with her might be cordial or chilly. (Or worse; the stepmoms we interviewed described challenging relationships, to put it mildly – with difficulties ranging from personal attacks to emotional instability.) If she’s intent on making trouble, don’t unsheathe your claws – and never let it affect your interactions with the kids. It’s natural for them to show allegiance to their mother, especially at first.
2) GIVE THEM PLENTY OF TIME: It’s tough, but you have to accept it: They’re not going to like you right away. Take Allison N.* for example. She’s been a stepmom to her husband’s three children (along with three of her own) for the more than four years; she describes the initial period as “the hardest time” of her life. It took years for the children to open up to her – during that time, she never asked that the kids call her Mom – and her patience paid off. Allison describes her household today as full of “hugs and kisses.” Two years may seem like a long time to wait, but you can’t force his kids to love you – and you’ll gain respect by not forcing things.
3) TREAT THEM LIKE THEY’RE YOUR OWN: It’s a shock to go from zero kids to three kids or from zero kids to two (angry, rebellious) teenage kids, isn’t it? That’s why Lily F. sets rules for her 9-year-old stepson along with her husband – and that’s what she’d do with her own child. And from that, her stepson has learned that her “boundaries don't budge,” helping them to forge a strong bond. While it may seem awkward to set – and enforce – rules for someone else’s child, that’s an issue you as the stepmom must quickly overcome.
4) PRESENT A UNITED FRONT: If you bring biological children of your own to the marriage, the last thing you want is to be accused of favoring her over one of your stepchildren. That’s always on the mind of Brenda H., who parents both a five-year-old biological daughter, 13-year-old stepdaughter and two stepsons; if her and her husband disagree on a proper action or punishment, they’ll agree in front of the kids, then renegotiate, but “behind closed doors.” You don’t want to be seen as the weak parent or the good one or the bad one – you want to be an equal with your husband.
5) RECOGNIZE THEIR INNOCENCE: Your stepdaughter may see you as the reason her parents split up; she may also be hoping her parents will reconcile. You know that’s misguided, but kids don’t yet understand how complicated adult relationships – and life – can be. As they age, and begin experience relationships, they’ll come to understand the difficulties that their parents (and you) have faced. That’s what happened with Brenda F., who now views her stepmother (her dad’s third wife) as her role model for being a stepmother herself. It’s a cold comfort, but a comfort all the same.
*Names have been changed to protect the families’ privacy.
